When I left my blog this time, it wasn’t because I didn’t care about it, or that I didn’t want to write anything, because I did. What freaked me out was that I just didn’t have anything to say. I used to be very shy- school projects that involved my vocal participation led me to veer on the edge of trepidation and inner chaos, but writing never scared me, because I could always say what I wanted to say when I felt like it if it was written down and unspoken. And when I realized I could write things down and that that altered how people saw me or the fact that they judged me exponentially less than they did normally, the words would flow like water. So it only made sense for me to stare into the heavens like a forsaken beached whale when I realized that my waterfall of words was gone.
I would like to blame it on the AP exams I took recently. I would love to blame it on lack of sleep and malnourishment (that’s a major stretch, though, since I eat when I’m frustrated). It could easily be all those things. Unfortunately though, I think it came to me questioning my motives about this blog. I even made YouTube videos (you already know that, though) that I abandoned because I doubted that I had things to say worth listening to. While I didn’t feel very bad or guilty about that endeavor, I was amazed at the effect not writing had on me. And I think that matured me in the sense that I’m not as afraid as I was before to write what I think here and live with the fact that I won’t be a famous New York Times Bestselling author or the next Tavi Gevinson or Anna Wintour, or face the realization that I will probably wait a long time before I get to write for a kind and dedicated blog follower.
So, what happens now?
Well, I’m going to be back here writing, and yes- I did change the blog name. No, that doesn’t mean that I am any less fascinated by the French language, or any less pretentious about speaking a few words. It stands for me being the second child. It is something that I will let define me on a surface level, and something that I bring up more than you’d think- well, when I’m with my siblings, of course, and in jest. I figured that if I titled this blog something that was closer to my heart and something that represents me much better than a phrase I liked, than I would feel more comfortable writing more often.
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”