Last Minute Thoughts.

2015 was a year of firsts for me. I received my own health insurance card, filled out tax forms (for college apps, but it still counts in my book) but most importantly, it was the first time I stood up for something and defended something I sincerely cared about.

To be concise, I changed my college major from Economics to English (pre-law WOOHOO!- no sarcasm here) and told my parents about it too. I strangely felt free as I explained this controversial decision to them- maybe because I got tired of caring what others thought of me. It sounds immature, but what motivated me to suck it up and change my major was this fear in the back of my mind of waking up sad, or most likely without a job, considering that I’m terrible at economics and used to confuse Nasdaq with Nabisco (it happened, and I cringe and laugh about it, but that’s the point). What also scared me was the fact that I used to limit myself on many things. I spent many years repeating that I would find my way into the fashion industry somehow until it became my mantra. It was a hobby of mine that I had carefully cultivated since I was five by poring over magazines and designer memoirs until I no longer spoke anything but Prada (read: it’s a movie reference).

Before I ramble too much and lose you, I’ll try to get to my point.

The point is, it came to me cowering behind fashion- the only thing I knew and understood- and justifying the fact that I believed I couldn’t do anything. And if the opportunity arose, I could always blame my parents for not letting me do anything I liked.

I justified my hatred for math with my knowledge of fashion and abundance of memorized books I’d read instead of working harder on homework. I also justified my lack of interest in other subjects or even sports by thinking that they took away from time I could spend reading up on current textile trends in other countries.

{Note: I sincerely believe now that my level of skill in math, science, and sports is actually pretty average- which is a huge step up from what I used to think.}

I felt that I had surrendered multiple opportunities because I had feared not being good enough at anything to be anything or make anything of myself- and as a result, I was very sad for a very long time. In retrospect, it might have even damaged my relationship with people.

Anyway, 2015 was the year I changed that mentality and I was determined to break down the door of the cage I had steadily built around myself over the years. And then I realized, as I wrote the major I wanted to transfer into on a blank form I was given back in June, I had been holding the doorknob and pushing a door that was a “pull” kind this whole time.

So to recap, because this post was huge and I ramble a lot, here’s my final two cents on what this new year means to me:

A chance to continue studying what I love, and a chance to use this surge of creativity I’ve had since letting go of old fears. A chance to try random stuff that has interested me for a long time but feared before.

Disclaimer: I just want to point out that this doesn’t mean I’m going to wake up tomorrow and pull out my old calculus stuff and practice deriving inverse trig whilst listening to Handel’s Messiah or something. Change comes in moderation, friends.

Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year!!!

Cheers ❤

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