nineteen years and counting

19bday2
Tee: A&F // Denim: Pull & Bear // Belt: AE // Sandals: Call it Spring // Bracelet: My Intent

19bday
Classy af in front of Whole Foods, like a truly pretentious vegan.
Happy New Year to me! πŸ˜€
Yesterday was my birthday, but since I spent my afternoon coming home and mainly running around to hang out with my brother, my birthday might not have been what most people would want on their special day. Here’s the thing:

I asked my parents to not do anything special.

Go ahead and let your jaw drop if you need to. I have my reasons. As I’ve grown older, I’ve seen how what I’ve wanted has evolved over time. When I walk by stores I like, I’ll usually joke once or twice (actually like fifty times) while I pick up items of interest and I’ll say “OOH here’s what I want for my birthday!” and then I’ll add a creepy wink or something. But in all seriousness, I’ll sit down later and think – actually think about what I truly need or would ask for as a gift, and the past two/three years, that list I usually have in my head is suddenly no where to be found, and I end up sick of wanting and sick of thinking that I have to ask for something simply because its a specific day of the year. This year, for example, a few weeks ago, I logged into Etsy, and picked what I wanted based on what I had clicked on the most for the past two years. And I only picked two things. And then I figured, what the heck, I’ll just buy this for myself and won’t ask for anything.

And you know what? I felt so much better!

I feel sometimes that liking fashion and style fuels a paradox for me. I love being on trend as much as the next Vogue devotee, but that costs money. And that costs time, time searching for trends I want to participate in, and time that I could use studying. Time I need to read for fun.

Okay, I can rant about that later.

But really, lately, I have gotten tired of the feeling that I want something. And this feeling isn’t new. It flares up around Christmas when I have to make a Christmas list, but it still cannot compare to my birthday, when I have to ask for something and only I get gifts.

So this year, I made a reservation at a vegan/sustainably sourced restaurant, and told everyone that I wanted them to be there. At the end of the day, when I thought about my stupid first world problems like “to want? or not to want?” and combined it with my hope that there is something more to life outside of our iPhones, I ended up extremely angry with phones and technology (and hungry). But more importantly, I would feel kind of empty. The obvious solution was to FaceTime my parents and pester them about their lives and ask dumb questions and give them my view on various books I was reading and remind them to take their vitamins, because I care about those things.

The answer came like a whack to the head with a fish.  I really only wanted to hang out with my family…and eat food. I didn’t want the ‘special’ treatment, mostly because it makes me uncomfortable, that I’m sure I could probably tie back to some Freudian thing from my childhood, but whatever. I didn’t even get cake. But its okay. I got what I wanted, and I’m relieved that I got just that. And that everyone was there to be with me today as I literally stuffed myself like the foodie that I am. #noregrets

So I’m here, 19 years and counting, and I learned what simplicity means in my 18th year of life. That is my accomplishment. I didn’t need everything I used to want or think I needed to be happy. **Gets off soapbox**

Thanks for reading!!! xoxo

β€œAs you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.”
― Henry David Thoreau

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